You Are My Sunshine

This is what my relationship with the sun looks like. This is what the sun makes me live. This is what I would do if I listened to my heart.

I would throw my arms open and embrace the light of the world.

I do throw my arms open and I do embrace the light and love I feel inside but often I put a muzzle on it, subdue, subjugate, suppress, what wants to come out.

I feel it but I keep what I feel inside.

I say I am authentic and that I live my life authentically but maybe I have to call myself on that.

How authentic am I when I hold back?

To be fair, I don't always hold back but I wish I could throw caution to the wind more often then I do now.

I am getting better at it. Maybe in another decade or so I'll have this fear of overwhelming people with the intensity of what I feel figured out.

If I close my eyes for a minute, an image of my 3 or 4 year old self feeling shamed for running up on stage and breaking into a jig to the beat of the violin player comes to mind.

For shit sake! It's high time I get over it and move beyond. But shame is insidious. It crawls under your skin and draws the shade on spontaneity.

I know me.

My spirit won't rest now. Not until I find a way to pull that shade and spontaneity becomes a regular part of my life.

Yup, another decade or so should do it!

Oh let the sun shine in........