Tuesday, 25 April 2017

Sometimes You Gotta Do What You Gotta Do

Hi Kate.

On your newsletter of April 17th, (which I very much enjoyed reading by the way), your last statement was a comment addressed to me. It said:

"Annette, you haven't posted to your blog in a long time. What's going on?"

I gotta say, I admire  you Kate. You are always very diligent about posting to your blog. I wish I had the same kind of perseverance but sooner or later, I find I have too many balls up in the air and somethings gotta give. What do I drop the ball on. My blog of course.

To be quite honest, even though I enjoy posting, I find it quite time consuming. It takes me a long time to make a post. I'm a slow writer and I often struggle with silly things like posting pictures and the logistics of it all. I know. Practice makes perfect and the more I do it the better and quicker I'll get, but I keep thinking there must be a simpler way to do things that I still haven't caught on to. Then again, maybe not.

I last posted on March 20th and lots has happened since then but nothing hugely significant that I can use as an excuse for disappearing into the ethers of the online world. Unless I count becoming an official senior citizen pensioner as such. But really, age is just a number isn't it? I don't feel any different than at 58 or at 64 except that now I'm always getting asked, "When are you going to retire?"

Maybe that question is the kicker that made me say, "fuck it" to the thought of starting to blog at 10 or 11 at night. Instead I chose to either sit back and read a memoir, write in my paper journal which seems to require much less effort, go for a walk, or run a hot bath with essential oils, lean back and relax with some inspirational music. Those choices felt much more inviting than another hour or so at the computer after just finishing with client files and book work for the day.  

Part of me feels very relieved not putting any pressure on myself to show up on my blog, (and I keep telling myself, not very many people know that I blog and who the hell cares anyway) but another part of me feels rather disappointed in myself, and like I'm cheating myself out of the thing I love the most which is writing (and so what if I can't manage it every day and it's not perfect).

Oh yes, While I wasn't posting here, I did a couple of trips to Grande Prairie, one to High River for 5 days where I met up with my three daughters and 5 grandchildren to celebrate my birthday over Easter, had another birthday celebration at a friend's house over here, cleaned and washed walls and windows as a contract job in a pretty big house, delivered a chair to our friend Marcel and visited with him one night, I've been putting together a course which I've called, Facing Death, Embracing Life, and what else? Oh ya, I downloaded this writing app on my phone and have been doing some timed writings in my paper journal which I've enjoyed doing. There's some pretty good questions which are fun to write to.

Okay, well you're likely yawning away by now and, if you've made it this far, wondering when this post is going to come to an end. So here it is. The End.

Hugs to you,


Monday, 20 March 2017

Wild Ones and Tame Ones

My Monday was a bit different than usual being I didn't have any clients for the later part of the afternoon. It was rather nice to come home early which meant I could go for my 4.5 mile walk. It's rather difficult to fit a walk in when I'm at work all day and, being I have a sit down job I like to grab the opportunity to get mobile when it presents itself.Looks like I may even be able to do the same tomorrow.

There's kind of a roadway along a bush line that leads to the town's sewer lagoon and a bigger wooded area. It's one of the places I go walking and there's always some interesting animal tracks crisscrossing every which way. From different birds species, to rodents of some sort, to deer, moose, and today, what I think are either coyote or wolf tracks.

It was hard to get a clear picture with the sun beaming down on the fresh snow so it's not too clear in the picture but they were good clear tracks when looking at them with the naked eye. There are no human tracks so it's not a dog for sure and dog prints don't show their claws but these foot prints had definite claws.

Poor little Peaches got sick on our watch on Saturday. He still wasn't feeling good on Sunday, nor doing much better this morning so Andree took him to the vet. We thought he'd come back home after they got him hydrated again but they wanted to keep him overnight to do further testing to see what has caused him to be so sick in the first place. He was so weak and lethargic after so much throwing up and diarrhea, that he barely moved. Hopefully we can pick him up tomorrow and he will be doing much better.

Friday, 17 March 2017

Please Shut It Off!

How I wish I could have a night's sleep. Dreams. I need to find the switch to shut them off. I awake all messed up. I feel like someone stepping off a ship. I walk around on my wobbly sea legs, unable to get grounded.

There's been an abundance of dreams this past month or so. It's like being at the movies all night long but they are not always movies I would pay to go to. Nevertheless, there they are, and I'm usually part of the script.

On mornings, like today, when I have a bit of time before heading out to work, I try to get a grip on where I traveled to during the night, the people who came to me in dream time, and what took place. I try to make sense of the imagery. Sometimes I can but most times I can't.

On mornings when I have to rush off to work, I jump in the shower and wait until the hot water clears the cobwebs of my dreams. Then I busy myself. I get dressed,  prepare my files for the day, pack up my computer, make a lunch, have breakfast, and whatever else I need to do.

I keep busy to focus elsewhere, to try to clear my head and get rid of how my mind and body feels limp and our of sorts. I try to bring myself back to the real world, or at least the world I'm required to function in.

Maybe it's my fault the dreams won't stop. Every night before I go to sleep, I ask to have clarity about my dreams, but so far, there are only a few insights. The rest is like the fog that rolled in this morning and made it impossible to even see across the street. It's hard to navigate one's way through that.

Maybe I need to start keeping pen and paper by my bedside. Maybe I need to start taking some kind of herbal meds to knock me into a deeper sleep state so I can have some more peaceful sleeps. Maybe I need to read less and write more. Maybe I need to walk less and write more. Maybe I need to work less and write more. Maybe I just need to write.

I've tried going to bed earlier, going to bed later, taking a relaxing bath, journaling before I go to bed. None of it seems to make any difference. None of it stops my mind from taking off and doing it's own travels shortly after I drift off.

A dream clinic would have a field day if they hooked me up to their machines and projected the images on a screen. In no time at all, there would be a full length movie. Likely not something that would even make any sense, unless the clinic had a dream deciphering machine. Is there such a thing do you think? Would it help?

The answer, I'm sure, lies within me and not a dream deciphering machine. It most likely has to do with the hunger to start on a big writing project and the hunger for a clear vision to guide and sustain me along the way.    

A week or so ago, the dream was that I was pregnant and the child wanted out. It was pushing so hard against my abdomen wall that it's little hands were making clearly visible hand imprints on the outside of my belly. I showed a few friends and they could not believe what they were seeing and how desperately this child was trying to push it's way out of it's confined space.

Maybe it was begging for my attention, begging me to stop long enough to allow it be born.