Why Do We Cower....

.....at revealing our true selves to the world?

I was wondering today who, or how many people actually read my blog. There's really no way of knowing. It is live on the internet, along with a gazillion other things, so who knows. Not too many people know about it I don't think and it's unlikely anyone would find it without the actual URL address.

Still, writing on a blog is a little like publishing a book. It's a practice in vulnerability. Once it's out there, it's out there.

I think the part that draws me to writing is the challenge. The first challenge is the actual writing. I suck at spelling, grammar and punctuation, (as I'm sure some of you have noticed), and words have never come easy for me, so writing can be painstakingly slow, yet the pull to do so is always there.like a fisherman beckoned by the sea.

The second challenge, is finding what I need to say, finding the right words to say it with, daring to say it, then sharing it with the world. That's often the most scary part and also the most rewarding part.

That's where the real juice of life is. It's where we get to discover, own, and reveal our true selves. There's a lot of power in that.

All bundled up

Out for an afternoon walk

And again at sundown

Resurfacing

I decided I had better redeem myself before the year comes sliding into the finish line.

I've been asked, "How come you're not writing on your blog anymore?" I could list a whole shit load of excuses, all of them very valid and true.

I was away for a week, I was busy with clients, I was running around getting Christmas things done, there were a couple of visits to relatives, an evening entertaining friends, and a host of other things that right now, I can't even recall.

By the end of the day or days, I had no desire to sit at my computer and the only writing I managed to squeeze out of me were a few disjointed, incoherent thoughts in my paper journal.

But, things have slowed down some now. I've had more time to just be and let my mind wander, and that's when I feel myself getting hungry for words. Plus I've started a new journal and that's another thing that gets my mouth watering and my juices flowing. The blank page always invites me to come forward and explore.

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My week away was to go visit my two daughters in High River and to give Brenda and James a hand, who as of December 15th, became the proud new owners of Okotoks Natural Foods. Drop in and visit them on their Facebook page here. They will be busy beavers with this new store along with Highwood Natural Foods in High River.

I didn't get to stay for Christmas but I'm grateful I had the opportunity to go before. I had really good roads to travel on this year and I got to see my grandson and two granddaughters open their gifts from Grandma before I left to come back home.

Here's Finnley dressed in his snow gear on Christmas Eve leaving a snack of grain for Santa's reindeer.

On Boxing Day my three daughters got together at Jody's house. When I was there before Christmas I left a present for each of them with instructions that they weren't to open their gift until they were all together. They each got a T-shirt. The shirts say.......

I'm the oldest child. I make the rules. I'm the middle child. I'm the reason we have rules. I'm the youngest child. The rules don't apply to me.

Andree and Marcel are busy carving the turkey on our Christmas Eve, friend, entertainment night. What a blast we had breaking bread together, exchanging gifts, laughs and good cheer.

And here's our house all lit up at night with Pumpkin under the Christmas Tree.

Like my granddaughter, Sadie used to say; "I'll be back!" Soon, I promise.

A Fun Sunday

Well, it's been a while since I've shown up here. I swear days come and go faster than I can bat an eye lash.

So how has everyone who lives in Northern Alberta been enjoying the cold snap we've been having? It's been mighty nippy out here. Down to -37 with the wind chill there for a while. Seems to be easing off a little now though.

I had some "me" time late last night and early this morning which I fully enjoyed. I had a chance to write in my journal yesterday evening and to do more writing at the computer after breakfast today. I put my music on and lost track of time. I love it when that happens. It's like entering a different world. One I love being in.

Someone drove into our yard this morning to pick up some Christmas lights I advertised on Facebook. After he left, I got dressed in my winter gear and was about to make my way to the wood pile for another load of firewood for the fireplace, when I looked out the window and discovered his tires tracks had left a perfect heart shaped imprint in the snow.

After lunch, Andree and I went on a Christmas tree hunt. We wanted to surprise some friends with a tree for their house. Our adventure took all afternoon but what a fun time we had accomplishing this task and delivering our little surprise.

Of course, never ones to have a dull moment in our lives, while on the hunt for this tree, one of the farmers who's land we went by, thought our driving around slowly and looking around was rather suspicious so he decided to follow us to make sure we weren't casing out the area with the intention to steal from farmer's properties. Can't say I blame him as there's been a lot of that kind of stuff going on.

After several miles of being followed by this guy, we decided to stop so we could tell him what we were doing. He seemed quite relieved to see we were just two harmless old ladies looking for a Christmas tree and left us to go on our merry way.

Not long after, we spotted it! The perfect little tree. Exactly the size we were looking for.

To make things a little more challenging, the chosen tree happened to be across the ditch and on the other side of a fence.

Got it!

Now to get back over that fence.

Ok, crossed the fence, now to get it across the ditch.

Voila! Andree sat in the getaway truck so she could snap pictures of the feat.

Off to town we went to purchase a few things to adorn the gift of nature, then back home to decorate, have supper, and get ready to go deliver it.

First the lights.

And a few balls, ribbons and candy canes.

Mission accomplished!

And off we went to deliver it to the recipients of a fun Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

Yup - love those kind of days!

Life Moments

Frustration! 

Kate helped to set me up with a different looking blog site and I love what it looks like but I can't figure out how to get people who subscribe to my blog post through email to go to the website where my blog actually resides. It's a darn shame since I find the pictures and layout looks so much better on the blog site.

But, then again, it might be that if people don't have the convenience of reading the posts in their email, they might not even bother clicking on a link like this one which would redirect them to the blog site. If you prefer the email version of my post that's fine too, but at please do click on the link I just gave you so you can at least have a peek. Okay, enough on that.


Blissful Contentment!

Don't I look like a queen poking away at my keyboard. I could very easily remain snuggled under my blanket in the comfort of my new chair for the next 48 hours or so while the temps dip down to the -25 to -30 range.

With the wind howling outside and the fire crackling in my wood burning stove inside, you wouldn't have to twist my rubber arm very hard to persuade me stay glued to my present post.

The Reality!

Tomorrow is Monday which means back to work and jumping in with a full day which is more than okay. I'm grateful for the work and I truly enjoy what I do. Plus I'm grateful that I get to be my own boss and I get to call the shots. I decide what days I work, what hours I work, and what days I take off. That's a huge plus in my eyes.

There are disadvantages of course. I don't have a regular paycheck to rely on, I can't call in sick, and I have no one to replace me if I am. But, at this point in my life, I wouldn't want it any other way.

Connection & Family

My youngest daughter and my youngest grandchild in a snowy winter scene photo. Makes me realize how lucky I am to have 3 daughters and 5 grandchildren, the importance of  a sense of connection and of family.

It also makes me realize how old I'm getting and how life seems to move along faster and faster. It seems the year barely gets going and the first thing I know, it's December and another one is coming to an end. Another reason to fully live each moment of the day.

What Do I Most Desire?

Perhaps this is a question I should answer in my paper journal and not here on this blog, for who knows who, to see.

Vulnerability rears it's ugly head. Questions pop in and out. What are you doing allowing others to see the real you? How will others take this? What will others say, think, feel, about me?

Annoying questions from the ego that try to deter me from living the present moment, from the spontaneous me. The one who wants to just "be," the one who can stand in her own truth no matter who's looking, listening. or reading.

After all, aren't we all the same? A desire to be seen, heard, understood. Afraid to trust - yet longing for connection and a sense of Oneness with. 

In order to become aware of my innermost desires, I have to first be able to reach deep inside and find what I am passionate about. What energizes and fuels my life and connects me to others. And where will life take me if I follow my desires, my passion? What will become of me?

And what if my innermost desire in life is to be as fully present as I can possibly be to each moment that life offers me. Whether that be to watch my grandchild throw a ball, watching the soap suds on my hands as I wash the dishes, or listening to the person sitting next to me tell me about their day.

This is what real connection and Oneness is. It's being wholly available and present to life. And this my friend, is my innermost desire. This is what I want. This is me.

A Flow With Change Kind of Day

When I got up this morning I had an agenda for the day but it didn't take long that it all flew out the window and went the other way.

That's just how it goes sometimes and there's not much a person can do but to flow with the changes. If you try to do otherwise you get your ginch all tied in a knot and that can get damn uncomfortable.

So it's best to say yes to life and to live the present moment for what it is. Often times, if you take the times to see it, there's a gift or two waiting to be discovered there too.

In fact, it looks like my whole weekend is going to be other than what I thought it would be and that's also okay. The gift at the end of that is that we'll finally have some furniture back in our living room.

Andree's had her new chair for 6 weeks or so but mine, and two other chairs, had to be special ordered and now they're ready to pick up and bring home. Yippee!

The only problem I can foresee now will be to make myself leave the comfort of my new chair, and the warmth of my home when the fireplace is going. Especially once the thermometer starts dipping and hovering to around -25 to -30 below which apparently is coming early next week.

So far it's been pretty decent as far as temps go though and this morning we were blessed with a gorgeous sunrise. I wasn't out there walking, (part of my plan that went awry), so I only saw it from my window, but my friend Marcel captured the beautiful picture above and shared it with me.

Sleepin In The Shower

Did you ever do that? Sleep in the shower I mean.

I stood there tonight, letting the hot water from our recently purchased rain shower head, wash away the chills of the day, and thought to myself, if I had a continuous hot water system, I would have absolutely no problem settling into a bath chair and sleeping in the shower. Would you?

For me there's nothing more delicious than the thought of lingering in a hot shower after a long days work at the office, a 45 minute drive home, working at the computer for another hour or so, followed by a walk under the stars on a dark cold night. Really, can there be anything more delicious than that?

I can literally feel the tension in my shoulders start to let go as my muscles soften and slowly unwind. I love how my skin tingles and comes alive while my mind,no longer needing to focus on anything in particular, is free to roam - and roam it does.

I swear, it's while in the shower that I get my best ideas. I gotta ask. Is that where you get your best ideas?

Yup, for sure. The person who invents waterproof paper will be a millionaire. But I don't think it will be me. I'll be too busy thinking about what to write next or actually sleeping in the shower.

Talented Friends

Some people are full of talent and they don't even realize it.

A friend of mine, Josee, recently decided to try her hand at making portraits from pictures. She registered for a drawing course and after a few lessons, voila! She can produce something quite remarkable.

This is the picture she used to work from.

 And a couple of days later this is what she presented me with.

A while back I gave her a piece of bark from a birch tree and the first thing I knew, I received part of it back by mail transformed into this. My very own log cabin and place of solitude. Perfect!

Me, on the other hand, I am limited in my creative drawing expressions. They are basically more like those of a child.

Nevertheless, they are very much part of who I am.

By the way folks.

Those of  you who are reading my blog from the email notice you get advising you of a new post, please go to the actual website where my blog resides so you can see the new look that my friend, Kate, put together for me.

She's added my book as well as links to a all the places where you can find me on the web.

Check it out by clicking this link: loutoyou.blogspot.com

In Appreciation....

.....of the little things which really are the bigger things in life. Like having two eyes that function well rather than one good one and one that's totally whacky and uncooperative.

Yesterday afternoon, I was out on one of my walks between clients when all of a sudden it felt like something fell in my eye. Damn, I thought. A stupid eyelash I suppose. So I did the usual thing of pulling the top eyelid down on top the other and moving my eyeball around. I did that several times but to no avail. Whatever was in there wasn't coming out.

By the time I finished work, the eye was giving me a lot of grief and it made the drive home in the dark rather difficult. Andree was not home so I went to the mirror hoping to discover the source of my trouble. I really don't know how I thought I would manage that since I can't even make out the print in a book without my glasses, but it didn't dawn on me until I took my glasses off. That's when I went, "Duh! That's not going to work."

So I put my coat on and went to my brother's place and asked my sister-in-law if she could see anything. Nope. She couldn't see anything either. She did however have an eye bath solution meant to flush out anything that might be in there to try. So off I went.

Do you know how much easier it would be to rinse off your eyeball if a person could actually remove the eyeball and use their fingers to swish the darn thing around in the solution rather than tilting your head forward, holding a little container of solution on the eyeball, and keeping your eye open while you swish your head back and forth, allowing the solution to work it's way around your eyeball? Takes practice is all I can say.  

The eye didn't feel much better by morning so I cancelled my first appointment and took myself to the local hospital to have it checked out. Doc froze my eye and had a good look with some equipment that apparently enlarges the eyeball to four times the size. "Nope, nothing in there," he said. "Although there must have been before because your eye is full of puss modules so you will need some antibiotic drops to put in there to clear that up and a patch to wear for a bit after you put the drops in."

So here I sit tonight, after Andree has put drops in, looking like a one-eyed pirate trying to write a blog post. It's a good thing I don't have to look at my keys when I type and I can just focus on what appears on the screen as my fingers poke away at the keyboard. Reading my book or doing anything else seemed too difficult to do but this seems manageable.

My eye was feeling a bit better today so hopefully I only need one more application of drops tomorrow morning and it will be all cleared up. At least that's what I'm hoping for. But let me tell you, I've sure been appreciative of my eyesight these past 48 hours or so.

This, That, And The Other

By the time I settle down in my chair it is always late in the evening. The smarter thing would be to go to bed but that rarely happens. I enjoy taking some down time to relax, read, cruise the internet, write in my journal or my blog while I listen to some of my favorite radio stations on Tunein Radio.

I like to walk about 5 miles (8 km) a day so between work, travelling, phone calls emails, meals, housework, etc., it doesn't leave much time to sit and do those other things I like doing. But, hey, the juggling back and forth to make it all work is part of what keeps life interesting and I'm not complaining - just saying.

This week, when I had a client that was a no show (hate it when that happens), I went for a walk along the river. It's nice when I can walk in the daylight rather than when it's dark out. With winter here and the time change thing, I'm at work during daylight hours now, so when I get a chance to walk in daylight I take it.

 I've started to work with students from two different schools again this year. This week I asked 2 of my younger ones to express what they were feeling with some molding clay. One child has parents who fight and argue all the time so he made his parents arguing with each other, then he made the angry dragon that grows inside him when his parents fight.

Yesterday we went to Grande Prairie to do a little Xmas shopping. We stayed overnight at Nicole's place and watched a movie with her and her companions who happen to think they belong to the human race.

The sisters - my three wonderful daughters, building memories while on a trip to Vegas to celebrate Jody's upcoming 40th birthday. When I asked them what they did in Vegas the answer was, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." LOL! Maybe there are times when it's best not to know everything!

My Bird - The Eagle

The eagle has always been my bird. In fact there's an eagle on the gold chain I always wear. I guess you could say the eagle is my spirit guide.He seems to always show up for me when I'm in deep contemplation over something or other. He appears and guides me in the right direction.

I didn't see an eagle today but my partner and my friend, (lucky buggers) did! They were kind enough to share their pictures with me. Made my day.

What a beauty! The wing span on that bird is enormous. Here is what the internet describes the eagle as:

Eagle conveys the powers and messages of the spirit; it is man's connection to the divine.

The eagle along with constantly, and consistently, having the number 1:11 or 11:11 appear in my life day after day, speaks volumes to me.

Step It Up

It was mighty chilly walking into that bitter East wind this morning. I had to step it up in order to stay warm and keep my walking buddy happy. He was bound and determined to follow his nose and investigate all the different smells on our path.

But after a couple of miles I gave him the command to sit so I could snap a picture or two and catch my breathe. He's not my dog so I'm not too familiar with his habits but it soon became apparent how unsure and anxious he is when out in a place he's not familiar with. Scared of his own shadow that one. He was side stepping and freaking out when I walked by the big statue in front of the church. So I took him out of town for a walk by the canal but he wasn't much braver out in the big wide open spaces either.

There was no snow on the ground when I went out this morning but when I went out for my second walk late this afternoon, the ground was sparkling white and still is.

No sunshine today. Maybe tomorrow. If not, I'll plug in my SAD lamp and get a dose of fake sunlight to keep a smile on my face and a bounce to my step.

Drops of the Pen

BEHIND MY EYES….

 Behind my eyes lie the spoken and the unspoken of lives I’ve lived in the years I’ve been here. Much has been written about in my book, “In Search of Oneness” but there is more. 

Behind my eyes lies the lessons to bring to paper. I need to reach back there and find what more needs to be written. 

I have no idea what those lessons are – but know they are waiting to be discovered and that when I have the time and space to connect to my deeper self and let my thoughts formulate, I will reach for my pen and they will appear on the page. 

Sometimes I get impatient. Tired of the everyday necessities of life that seem to hold me hostage to my words. Sometimes I want to run from it all. Escape to my inside world where I can focus my attention until things spill out of me. 

Many things wait behind my eyes.

  

WHAT MATTERS…..

What matters is what I think, do, believe, and bring to the world.

What matters is being true to who I am no matter how difficult it may be.

What matters is a sense of connection with self, family, friends, purpose, and a sense of something bigger than I am.

What matters are the smaller things of life that we often take for granted like our ability to think for ourselves, to not have to think about each breathe we take, what our organs are going to do next or how. 

What matters is the beauty in a sunrise, a sunset, a fog rolling in across a prairie field or Northern Lights dancing in the sky.

What matters is that with each step we take we live our best self as much as we possibly can.

What matters is that we love with all our heart instead of holding back out of fear of being hurt in the process.

What matters is that we give without expectations and the ability to receive with a grateful heart. 

What matters is love - for without love nothing can exit.