Why Do We Cower....

.....at revealing our true selves to the world?

I was wondering today who, or how many people actually read my blog. There's really no way of knowing. It is live on the internet, along with a gazillion other things, so who knows. Not too many people know about it I don't think and it's unlikely anyone would find it without the actual URL address.

Still, writing on a blog is a little like publishing a book. It's a practice in vulnerability. Once it's out there, it's out there.

I think the part that draws me to writing is the challenge. The first challenge is the actual writing. I suck at spelling, grammar and punctuation, (as I'm sure some of you have noticed), and words have never come easy for me, so writing can be painstakingly slow, yet the pull to do so is always there.like a fisherman beckoned by the sea.

The second challenge, is finding what I need to say, finding the right words to say it with, daring to say it, then sharing it with the world. That's often the most scary part and also the most rewarding part.

That's where the real juice of life is. It's where we get to discover, own, and reveal our true selves. There's a lot of power in that.

All bundled up

Out for an afternoon walk

And again at sundown

Resurfacing

I decided I had better redeem myself before the year comes sliding into the finish line.

I've been asked, "How come you're not writing on your blog anymore?" I could list a whole shit load of excuses, all of them very valid and true.

I was away for a week, I was busy with clients, I was running around getting Christmas things done, there were a couple of visits to relatives, an evening entertaining friends, and a host of other things that right now, I can't even recall.

By the end of the day or days, I had no desire to sit at my computer and the only writing I managed to squeeze out of me were a few disjointed, incoherent thoughts in my paper journal.

But, things have slowed down some now. I've had more time to just be and let my mind wander, and that's when I feel myself getting hungry for words. Plus I've started a new journal and that's another thing that gets my mouth watering and my juices flowing. The blank page always invites me to come forward and explore.

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My week away was to go visit my two daughters in High River and to give Brenda and James a hand, who as of December 15th, became the proud new owners of Okotoks Natural Foods. Drop in and visit them on their Facebook page here. They will be busy beavers with this new store along with Highwood Natural Foods in High River.

I didn't get to stay for Christmas but I'm grateful I had the opportunity to go before. I had really good roads to travel on this year and I got to see my grandson and two granddaughters open their gifts from Grandma before I left to come back home.

Here's Finnley dressed in his snow gear on Christmas Eve leaving a snack of grain for Santa's reindeer.

On Boxing Day my three daughters got together at Jody's house. When I was there before Christmas I left a present for each of them with instructions that they weren't to open their gift until they were all together. They each got a T-shirt. The shirts say.......

I'm the oldest child. I make the rules. I'm the middle child. I'm the reason we have rules. I'm the youngest child. The rules don't apply to me.

Andree and Marcel are busy carving the turkey on our Christmas Eve, friend, entertainment night. What a blast we had breaking bread together, exchanging gifts, laughs and good cheer.

And here's our house all lit up at night with Pumpkin under the Christmas Tree.

Like my granddaughter, Sadie used to say; "I'll be back!" Soon, I promise.

A Fun Sunday

Well, it's been a while since I've shown up here. I swear days come and go faster than I can bat an eye lash.

So how has everyone who lives in Northern Alberta been enjoying the cold snap we've been having? It's been mighty nippy out here. Down to -37 with the wind chill there for a while. Seems to be easing off a little now though.

I had some "me" time late last night and early this morning which I fully enjoyed. I had a chance to write in my journal yesterday evening and to do more writing at the computer after breakfast today. I put my music on and lost track of time. I love it when that happens. It's like entering a different world. One I love being in.

Someone drove into our yard this morning to pick up some Christmas lights I advertised on Facebook. After he left, I got dressed in my winter gear and was about to make my way to the wood pile for another load of firewood for the fireplace, when I looked out the window and discovered his tires tracks had left a perfect heart shaped imprint in the snow.

After lunch, Andree and I went on a Christmas tree hunt. We wanted to surprise some friends with a tree for their house. Our adventure took all afternoon but what a fun time we had accomplishing this task and delivering our little surprise.

Of course, never ones to have a dull moment in our lives, while on the hunt for this tree, one of the farmers who's land we went by, thought our driving around slowly and looking around was rather suspicious so he decided to follow us to make sure we weren't casing out the area with the intention to steal from farmer's properties. Can't say I blame him as there's been a lot of that kind of stuff going on.

After several miles of being followed by this guy, we decided to stop so we could tell him what we were doing. He seemed quite relieved to see we were just two harmless old ladies looking for a Christmas tree and left us to go on our merry way.

Not long after, we spotted it! The perfect little tree. Exactly the size we were looking for.

To make things a little more challenging, the chosen tree happened to be across the ditch and on the other side of a fence.

Got it!

Now to get back over that fence.

Ok, crossed the fence, now to get it across the ditch.

Voila! Andree sat in the getaway truck so she could snap pictures of the feat.

Off to town we went to purchase a few things to adorn the gift of nature, then back home to decorate, have supper, and get ready to go deliver it.

First the lights.

And a few balls, ribbons and candy canes.

Mission accomplished!

And off we went to deliver it to the recipients of a fun Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

Yup - love those kind of days!

Life Moments

Frustration! 

Kate helped to set me up with a different looking blog site and I love what it looks like but I can't figure out how to get people who subscribe to my blog post through email to go to the website where my blog actually resides. It's a darn shame since I find the pictures and layout looks so much better on the blog site.

But, then again, it might be that if people don't have the convenience of reading the posts in their email, they might not even bother clicking on a link like this one which would redirect them to the blog site. If you prefer the email version of my post that's fine too, but at please do click on the link I just gave you so you can at least have a peek. Okay, enough on that.


Blissful Contentment!

Don't I look like a queen poking away at my keyboard. I could very easily remain snuggled under my blanket in the comfort of my new chair for the next 48 hours or so while the temps dip down to the -25 to -30 range.

With the wind howling outside and the fire crackling in my wood burning stove inside, you wouldn't have to twist my rubber arm very hard to persuade me stay glued to my present post.

The Reality!

Tomorrow is Monday which means back to work and jumping in with a full day which is more than okay. I'm grateful for the work and I truly enjoy what I do. Plus I'm grateful that I get to be my own boss and I get to call the shots. I decide what days I work, what hours I work, and what days I take off. That's a huge plus in my eyes.

There are disadvantages of course. I don't have a regular paycheck to rely on, I can't call in sick, and I have no one to replace me if I am. But, at this point in my life, I wouldn't want it any other way.

Connection & Family

My youngest daughter and my youngest grandchild in a snowy winter scene photo. Makes me realize how lucky I am to have 3 daughters and 5 grandchildren, the importance of  a sense of connection and of family.

It also makes me realize how old I'm getting and how life seems to move along faster and faster. It seems the year barely gets going and the first thing I know, it's December and another one is coming to an end. Another reason to fully live each moment of the day.

What Do I Most Desire?

Perhaps this is a question I should answer in my paper journal and not here on this blog, for who knows who, to see.

Vulnerability rears it's ugly head. Questions pop in and out. What are you doing allowing others to see the real you? How will others take this? What will others say, think, feel, about me?

Annoying questions from the ego that try to deter me from living the present moment, from the spontaneous me. The one who wants to just "be," the one who can stand in her own truth no matter who's looking, listening. or reading.

After all, aren't we all the same? A desire to be seen, heard, understood. Afraid to trust - yet longing for connection and a sense of Oneness with. 

In order to become aware of my innermost desires, I have to first be able to reach deep inside and find what I am passionate about. What energizes and fuels my life and connects me to others. And where will life take me if I follow my desires, my passion? What will become of me?

And what if my innermost desire in life is to be as fully present as I can possibly be to each moment that life offers me. Whether that be to watch my grandchild throw a ball, watching the soap suds on my hands as I wash the dishes, or listening to the person sitting next to me tell me about their day.

This is what real connection and Oneness is. It's being wholly available and present to life. And this my friend, is my innermost desire. This is what I want. This is me.

A Flow With Change Kind of Day

When I got up this morning I had an agenda for the day but it didn't take long that it all flew out the window and went the other way.

That's just how it goes sometimes and there's not much a person can do but to flow with the changes. If you try to do otherwise you get your ginch all tied in a knot and that can get damn uncomfortable.

So it's best to say yes to life and to live the present moment for what it is. Often times, if you take the times to see it, there's a gift or two waiting to be discovered there too.

In fact, it looks like my whole weekend is going to be other than what I thought it would be and that's also okay. The gift at the end of that is that we'll finally have some furniture back in our living room.

Andree's had her new chair for 6 weeks or so but mine, and two other chairs, had to be special ordered and now they're ready to pick up and bring home. Yippee!

The only problem I can foresee now will be to make myself leave the comfort of my new chair, and the warmth of my home when the fireplace is going. Especially once the thermometer starts dipping and hovering to around -25 to -30 below which apparently is coming early next week.

So far it's been pretty decent as far as temps go though and this morning we were blessed with a gorgeous sunrise. I wasn't out there walking, (part of my plan that went awry), so I only saw it from my window, but my friend Marcel captured the beautiful picture above and shared it with me.

Sleepin In The Shower

Did you ever do that? Sleep in the shower I mean.

I stood there tonight, letting the hot water from our recently purchased rain shower head, wash away the chills of the day, and thought to myself, if I had a continuous hot water system, I would have absolutely no problem settling into a bath chair and sleeping in the shower. Would you?

For me there's nothing more delicious than the thought of lingering in a hot shower after a long days work at the office, a 45 minute drive home, working at the computer for another hour or so, followed by a walk under the stars on a dark cold night. Really, can there be anything more delicious than that?

I can literally feel the tension in my shoulders start to let go as my muscles soften and slowly unwind. I love how my skin tingles and comes alive while my mind,no longer needing to focus on anything in particular, is free to roam - and roam it does.

I swear, it's while in the shower that I get my best ideas. I gotta ask. Is that where you get your best ideas?

Yup, for sure. The person who invents waterproof paper will be a millionaire. But I don't think it will be me. I'll be too busy thinking about what to write next or actually sleeping in the shower.