How I wish I could have a night's sleep. Dreams. I need to find the switch to shut them off. I awake all messed up. I feel like someone stepping off a ship. I walk around on my wobbly sea legs, unable to get grounded.
There's been an abundance of dreams this past month or so. It's like being at the movies all night long but they are not always movies I would pay to go to. Nevertheless, there they are, and I'm usually part of the script.
On mornings, like today, when I have a bit of time before heading out to work, I try to get a grip on where I traveled to during the night, the people who came to me in dream time, and what took place. I try to make sense of the imagery. Sometimes I can but most times I can't.
On mornings when I have to rush off to work, I jump in the shower and wait until the hot water clears the cobwebs of my dreams. Then I busy myself. I get dressed, prepare my files for the day, pack up my computer, make a lunch, have breakfast, and whatever else I need to do.
I keep busy to focus elsewhere, to try to clear my head and get rid of how my mind and body feels limp and our of sorts. I try to bring myself back to the real world, or at least the world I'm required to function in.
Maybe it's my fault the dreams won't stop. Every night before I go to sleep, I ask to have clarity about my dreams, but so far, there are only a few insights. The rest is like the fog that rolled in this morning and made it impossible to even see across the street. It's hard to navigate one's way through that.
Maybe I need to start keeping pen and paper by my bedside. Maybe I need to start taking some kind of herbal meds to knock me into a deeper sleep state so I can have some more peaceful sleeps. Maybe I need to read less and write more. Maybe I need to walk less and write more. Maybe I need to work less and write more. Maybe I just need to write.
I've tried going to bed earlier, going to bed later, taking a relaxing bath, journaling before I go to bed. None of it seems to make any difference. None of it stops my mind from taking off and doing it's own travels shortly after I drift off.
A dream clinic would have a field day if they hooked me up to their machines and projected the images on a screen. In no time at all, there would be a full length movie. Likely not something that would even make any sense, unless the clinic had a dream deciphering machine. Is there such a thing do you think? Would it help?
The answer, I'm sure, lies within me and not a dream deciphering machine. It most likely has to do with the hunger to start on a big writing project and the hunger for a clear vision to guide and sustain me along the way.
A week or so ago, the dream was that I was pregnant and the child wanted out. It was pushing so hard against my abdomen wall that it's little hands were making clearly visible hand imprints on the outside of my belly. I showed a few friends and they could not believe what they were seeing and how desperately this child was trying to push it's way out of it's confined space.
Maybe it was begging for my attention, begging me to stop long enough to allow it be born.