There are two different kinds of being present in my eyes.
There's being present to the moment and being present to others.
I want to live both and it leaves me with a huge hollow in the pit of my stomach when I can't. I don't know if that's normal. Do others experience that too? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know for sure.
Maybe hollow isn't even the right word. It's more like a yearning for. A desire to. A calling forth that I can't figure out how to make happen or deliver.
I see a friend in need of support, emotionally and physically and I want to drop everything, fly over there and be present for her.
I see the beauty of the day unfold outside and I want to immerse myself in each precious moment so I can live it fully but I am inside bound by commitments.
I hear of my grandchildren, one losing a tooth and saying the most grown up things, the other gives herself totally to a make believe stage performance drawn from her imagination because she has not yet been marked by fears, self doubt or her own self judgments and I hope she never will be.
The youngest of the grandchildren is about to turn 3, learns new words and does new things everyday.
Then there's the older two. One is involved in all kinds of neat concerts at a school of performing arts and the other is already investigating what high school he is hoping to attend next year.
I yearn to be a more present grandma and be there for all that too.
Plus I want to be there more for my daughters who could always use a helping hand once in a while and the many other people I either know of or am close to.
I also want to be present to myself and the incessant need to write that keeps gnawing at me.
Is that even possible to be present in those ways? Would it silence the unrest and constant yearning and craving within me?